My Name is Nell Read online

  “If he’d been interested, he’d have called by now.”

  Abby glanced at her watch. “Give him time. He only just got to town.”

  Nell’s heart shifted into triphammer speed. “How do you know?”

  “When Tonya and I spied on him, he was unloading bags from his car.”

  Nell wouldn’t, couldn’t get her hopes up. He’d just come to town to finalize his move back to California. Nell reached over and patted her daughter’s hand. “You have to get used to it, honey, as I have. Brady is a wonderful man, but he won’t be part of our lives.”

  “Bull!” Abby leaped from her chair. “He loves you. You love him. All you have to do is march over there and tell him. I betcha he feels the same way.”

  “It wouldn’t be proper.”

  “Adults!” Abby rolled her eyes before putting her hands on Nell’s shoulders. “You’re the one always talking to me about taking risks. About how you have to be willing to stick up for what you believe. To go after what you want.”

  If the subject hadn’t been so serious, Nell would’ve been tempted to smile. Abby was right. She had preached all those lessons—and now they were coming back to haunt her. “I can’t.”

  Her daughter shook her gently and gave her a skeptical look. “Don’t turn chicken on me, Mom. If you don’t go for it now, you’ll look back and always wish you had.”

  Nell shrugged in defeat. When the kid was right, she was right!

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  BRADY PULLED OFF the rutted road at the edge of the resort property and sat in the Escalade, amazed at the way the view had opened up now that many of the trees had shed their leaves. In the early morning cold, condensation off the lake created clouds of mist that moved, specterlike, across the blue surface of the water. On the far hillside a few trees still displayed vivid colors.

  His option was nearly up. It was decision time. Good sense dictated he should abandon his foolish dream, but, then, good sense had nothing to do with the excitement he’d been helpless to prevent when he crossed the state line into Arkansas. Nor with the sense of well-being generated by the scene before him.

  He stepped out of his vehicle, shouldered a day pack and started off through the woods, awed by the scent of pine and the chatter of birds darting from limb to limb. He didn’t want to think about the power this land exerted over him. It was either a major weakness or a sign. And he didn’t believe in signs.

  Or did he? What else to call his stumbling across Nell’s message at the Edgewater Inn?

  Nell had called the bed-and-breakfast a sanctuary. Was that what he had been seeking? He halted, his attention arrested by several buzzards wheeling overhead. Nature. Predator. Prey. Cyclical. Ever the same, ever different. A far cry from Silicon Valley.

  As he tramped on, he was able to name what this place meant to him. Freedom from the past. New beginnings. Serenity. Yes, even a sanctuary.

  But part of that sense of connection and belonging rested with Nell. More of her words came back to him. I have to believe that somewhere out there is someone for me. Someone I can trust. Someone I can love.

  He had hurt her with his condemnation of her drinking. With his self-righteous judgment, his leap to make her the scapegoat for his own anger. Before going to Colorado, he had never thought of himself as a black-and-white thinker. Yet he had painted his father and Velda with the monochrome of rancor, when, in fact, the situation had been far more complex.

  Reaching a large limestone outcropping, he dropped his pack and sat on the edge, his feet dangling. A squirrel skittered past, intent on gathering his store of winter acorns.

  He had been unfair to Nell. He’d put off calling her or going to see her. This time he had to be sure. She was deserving of the best a man could give her—and for her that meant trust and love. No matter what.

  If he was truthful, it was the “no matter what” that scared him. Yet no one knew better than he that life doesn’t come with guarantees. Certainly he’d never imagined Brooke and Nicole’s accident. Maybe it was the things you didn’t worry about that caused the gravest problems, so what was the point of borrowing trouble?

  Some things were in his control. Facing his fears. Loving Nell for the wonderful woman she was, not the desperate one he’d never known. Trusting her.

  He leaned back on the cool rock, pillowing his head in his linked hands. A sudden thought came to him—powerful and affirming. His personal storm had passed, and in its aftermath, he now realized, was his rainbow—Nell.

  He laughed aloud, a sound joyous and free. He, too, was a believer in rainbows.

  NELL SAT at her office desk trying to read book reviews in the Library Journal. Yet her concentration was shot and she found herself rereading every three or four lines.

  Two days had passed since Abby’s announcement, and Nell still hadn’t heard from Brady. She’d thought a lot about Abby’s suggestion that she go to him, but ultimately it had to be his choice whether he could live with an alcoholic.

  Yet even as that thought surfaced, her inner demon—or angel?—accused her. So you’re willing to leave it all up to him? You’ve lived “safe” a long time. What about taking a chance? How else will you know what might have been? Why settle for “safe” when you might have “fulfilling?”

  She threw down the magazine and plunged her hands through her hair. She didn’t need voices like that haunting her, eroding her carefully constructed world, exposing her loneliness.

  What about Abby? Oh, yes, her guardian spirit had to bring that up. Somehow, in a very short time, Brady had become important to her daughter. Could she overlook that? Especially when the girl’s own father found parenting difficult?

  Get off it, Nell. Give up the rationalizations. You love the man. You think that comes without risk? But there’s no prize without risk. You want rainbows? Okay. They come at a cost.

  Nell stood up and looked around her office, where she’d accomplished absolutely zilch in the past two days. This state of affairs simply couldn’t go on.

  All right, she would do it. She would see him. She would go prepared for anything—even rejection.

  And with her heart in her hands.

  NELL SHRUGGED INTO her red all-weather coat, waved goodbye to Reggie Pettigrew who was manning the checkout desk and slipped out of the library. A hard freeze was predicted for tonight and the air was already sharp with cold. Head down against the strong north wind, she hurried toward her car. She would get this over with this afternoon. Abby had a late basketball practice and it was the Larkins’ turn to pick the girls up. If Brady was at home, she would have the ordeal behind her before dinner. Then she could settle things with Abby once and for all.

  Tripping over a crack in the sidewalk, she nearly fell, saved only by a strong arm around her waist. “Careful.”

  When she looked up, her breath stopped. “Brady?” His serious expression put her on guard.

  “I’ve been waiting for you.”

  “Oh?” She could think of nothing further to say, the awkwardness between them an impediment to rational thought.

  “We need to talk.”

  When she stepped back and raised her head, the wind whipped strands of hair into her face. “You’re right. Abby told me you were back.”

  “How did she know?”

  “She saw you.”

  Putting his hands in his pockets, he studied her, his expression difficult to read. “I should’ve called.”

  “I wasn’t expecting it.”

  He nodded, as if she’d confirmed something he already knew.

  It was now or never. “I agree that we need to talk. In fact, I was just on my way to see you.”

  “I said some awful things to you.”

  “And I withheld the truth.”

  He moved closer and it required all her self-control not to reach up and brush her fingers over his cheek. Her breath came raggedly. She was even more attracted to him than she’d remembered. More than anything, she craved the comfort of his embrace.


  Then his gaze caught hers and in it she saw a flicker of yearning. He lifted his hand and smoothed the hair out of her eyes. “Do you have time now?”

  Not trusting herself to speak, she nodded.

  “Could you come to my place? I want to show you something.”

  “I’ll follow you,” she said.

  He walked her to her car. Once she was behind the wheel, he held the door just long enough to murmur, “Be careful. I don’t want to lose you now.”

  Nell’s hand shook as she turned the ignition key. She couldn’t read too much into those words. He was just being polite. Or maybe he was talking about losing her in traffic.

  But what if he meant he didn’t want to lose her? What if she could permit herself hope?

  Nell discovered something as she followed Brady to his condominium. Time passes more easily when you’re praying.

  HEEDLESS OF THE strong wind, Brady waited outside for Nell, knowing that the next hour or so would determine his entire future. He’d been unprepared for his reaction when he’d first seen her outside the library. All other considerations had evaporated in the rush of love that had swept over him—followed by fear, empty and cold. What if he was too late?

  Yet when she’d said she had been on her way here, he’d relaxed. Maybe there was a chance. He’d already lost so much. He couldn’t lose her.

  She turned into the parking space next to his and he hurried to meet her. “Come along inside. I’ll brew us a hot cup of coffee.”

  She smiled and his heart thawed. “I’d like that.”

  He took her by the arm and, once inside, took her coat, then ushered her to the ugly oversize sofa. “Make yourself at home, or as much at home as possible in this mausoleum. I’ll be right back.”

  He carefully measured the coffee, added water and flipped on the switch, rehearsing in his mind what he would say to her, how he could convince her of his change of heart. From the pass-through he could see her head bent over a magazine she’d picked up from the coffee table. His throat thickened. He didn’t want to talk. He wanted to pull her into his arms and carry her down the hall to his room, where the one redeeming feature of this furnished condo waited—a feather-soft, king-size bed.

  She looked up expectantly when he entered the room. “This ought to warm you up,” he said, handing her a mug, then taking a seat at the opposite end of the sofa.

  “Thank you.” When she carried the cup to her lips, her downcast eyelashes reminded him of the morning she’d covered his bare chest with butterfly kisses that drove him wild. “It’s very tasty.”

  He smiled. “My specialty.”

  She looked at him. He looked at her. It was a silence suspended between hope and fear. Finally she said, “What now?”

  He couldn’t stand the waiting a second longer. “Why were you coming here this afternoon?”

  Leaning forward, she set down her coffee before turning toward him. Her eyes glittered and when she spoke, her voice was raspy. “To see if there was a chance.” She hesitated. “And to tell you I love you.”

  Dizzying waves of relief washed over him. In a flash he had moved beside her and pulled her into his arms. “Nell, sweetheart, I love you, too.” He buried his mouth in her hair, smelling of sunshine, wind and green, growing things. He framed her face between his hands and looked into those deep eyes he’d dreamed about every single night they’d been apart.

  Her hands tightened on his shoulders. “I haven’t changed. I…I’ll always be an alcoholic.”

  “You’re much more than that.” He kissed each eyelid, then her nose. “You will always and forever be the woman I love.”

  “I’ve been so afraid.”

  “Of what?”

  “That you wouldn’t come back.” She seemed to struggle to go on. “Or that you’d reject me.”

  He chuckled. “Funny. I was afraid of the same thing. After the ugly things I said, I knew I’d blown it with you.”

  “So why did you come back?”

  “I had to take the chance it wasn’t too late.”

  “But I said some pretty awful things to you, too.”

  “All of which were right on target.” He leaned back against the sofa, pulling her with him. “I was addicted.”

  She lifted her head. “Was?”

  “How much time do you have?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know. How much do you need? I should leave before six-thirty. Abby gets home from basketball then.”

  Two hours. It had to be enough. “That should do it. I need to tell you some things.”

  Somehow unburdening himself was easier with her by his side, the warmth of her body soothing years of pain. He started with his childhood, the mother he’d adored, her lingering illness and death, then the abrupt change when his father had married Velda. His unwillingness to listen. His anger and rebellion. His abandonment of Danny. The decision to put the first eighteen years of his life behind him. She already knew about Brooke and Nicole, but he found he needed to go through it all again. Even the accident. He ended with his recent visit with his father and the beginning they’d made. It was nearly six when he finished. “I can’t live any longer with anger, resentment and grief.”

  “Acceptance,” she whispered. “It isn’t easy.”

  “No,” he agreed. “It isn’t.”

  “You loved your mother very much. Perhaps it’s only lately that you’ve mourned her, along with Brooke and Nicole.”

  He looked at her. “I’d never considered that, but I think you’re right.”

  “No wonder you were in such pain.”

  “Until I met you.” He traced her hairline with a finger.

  “You’re sure?” The question in her eyes revealed fragility and vulnerability and conveyed far more than the words suggested.

  He knew this was the defining moment. He had to be certain. Anything less would be a disservice to her and a betrayal of himself. This meant commitment. Unconditional love. Still clasping her, he stood up, drawing her with him. He held her, then, at arm’s length, studying her beloved face. “Dearest Nell, I am absolutely, positively certain.”

  “Oh, Brady.” She sagged against him and before he knew what he was doing, he found her lips, his body fiery with need. She met his tongue thrust for thrust, her mouth warm and sweet. “I’ve missed you so much,” she whimpered.

  “I’m not leaving,” he said. Then, pulling back and taking her by the hand, he led her into the spare bedroom, which he’d converted to a makeshift office. “Remember, I told you I have something to show you.” He ushered her through the door, then stood behind her, his arms circling her waist. “What do you think?”

  He heard her tiny gasp, before she pivoted in his arms. “Brady, is that what I think it is?” Her eyes were shining.

  “It’s the architect’s initial rendering for the Vista Inn and Resort.” Before he’d left for California he’d commissioned this preliminary step. He could have canceled out. He could have let his option lapse. But he hadn’t. Deep down, he’d always known why. He was destined to come home. To Arkansas. To Nell.

  “It’s beautiful,” she breathed, the admiration in her eyes humbling.

  “No,” he corrected. “It’s nice. You’re beautiful.” He held her lightly, sliding his hands down her back, over her rounded hips. “What time did you say you had to be home?” He nuzzled her neck.

  “Soon,” she murmured langorously. “Too soon.”

  He bent his head and began unbuttoning her blouse, rimming the top of her bra with his forefinger. “Sure you couldn’t stay a little longer?”

  She thrust her hands inside the back of his trousers, the pressure on his buttocks increasing the urgency threatening to send him over the edge. “Maybe I could call the Larkins.”

  “Sounds like an inspired idea,” he said, easing her blouse over her shoulders and partway down her arms.

  “I need to use the phone,” she managed to say between kisses.

  “No problem,” he said, propelling her down t
he hall. “There’s one in the bedroom.”

  An hour later, sated and spent, he cuddled Nell’s satin-smooth body into his, thanking his lucky stars for the Larkins’ flexibility and his landlord’s bed that had more than lived up to its promise. Way more.

  “OMIGOD, OHMIGOD.” Abby burst through the front door mere minutes after Nell arrived home. She had just stepped out of the shower, having cleansed from her body the traces of lovemaking that made her weak in the knees just thinking about it. She’d even decided maybe she would dare to buy that sheer teddy she’d fantasized about.

  Gathering her terry-cloth robe around her, she knotted the sash and stepped into the hall. “What’s the matter? Did something happen at practice?”

  Abby was practically jumping up and down with excitement. “You’ll never believe it.”

  What now? “I’m all ears.”

  “I’ve gotta show you. Come into my room.” Abby dumped the contents of her backpack on the floor, then rifled through books, pens and notebooks until she came up with a rumpled piece of computer paper. “In computer class today we had an assignment to look up someone we knew on the internet to see what information was there.”

  “So?”

  “I picked Brady.” She thrust the paper into Nell’s hands. “Go ahead. Read.”

  She looked down at a print-out of an article from the Wall Street Journal. The title meant nothing to her. “Silicon Valley Creates Instant Millionaires.” She let her eyes scan the sheet until she found Brady’s name, followed by the words, entrepreneurial genius, estimated worth $50,000,000. Nell collapsed into Abby’s desk chair. For a minute, she was afraid she was going to pass out.

  Abby bounced from one foot to the other. “Isn’t that exciting?”

  Nell thought about it. No wonder he could afford to hit the road for months following the accident, take an option on the Beaver Lake land, drive an expensive vehicle. Why hadn’t he told her? This sounded like some crazy imitation of a reality TV show. She couldn’t help herself—she erupted in shaky, manic laughter.

  Abby did a double take. “Mom, are you all right?”